What Is Codependency?

 

Technically, codependency is an unhealthy approach to relationships, intimacy, problem-solving, and type of thinking. In the context of addiction, codependency paradoxically contributes to the very things that the codependent is trying to heal - their loved one’s recovery. The example of helping your loved one avoid the consequences of their DUI is usually codependent behavior.

 

​The solution is often counter-intuitive because it goes against what comes naturally – unconditional love. You try to do what your loving instincts tell you to do instead.

 

How do I know if my behavior and thinking is codependent? How many of the following questions do you resonate with?

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1. Do you attach your sense of self, success in life, or daily mood to how your loved one is acting that day?

2. Do you hope, against experience, that if you have yet another conversation/argument they will finally change?

3. Do you forget to enjoy your own life because you are so involved in trying to fix your loved one? Are you often only as happy as your most unhappy child?

4. Do you ignore the evidence to the contrary, and hope love conquers all and if you love them enough or they love you enough they will change?

5. Do you give them things they want hoping you can buy their love and recovery?

6. Do you feel you are held hostage in your own home to your loved one’s tantrums, threats, and manipulations?

7. Do you fear that you’ll upset your loved ones by expecting them to act respectfully?

8. Do you blame yourself and feel guilty for causing their addiction and bad choices? Or has your loved one convinced you that you caused their addiction by something you did or didn’t do?

9. Do you worry and feel ashamed about what others might say or think if they find out about your struggles?

10. Do you threaten consequences in order to end the madness – but never do?

11. Do you rescue them from legal, financial, and social problems caused by their lifestyle?

12. Do you overlook, defend, or rescue them from the consequences of their lifestyle and behaviors?

13. Do you allow your other relationships to suffer as a result of your absorption with your loved one’s addiction and all its consequences?

14. Do you exaggerate and embellish small signs of change as if they are on the threshold of recovery?

15. Do you repeat all the above (and more) without lasting success?

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If you identify with just a few of the above examples you will benefit from this program of education and developing a plan of action we call a Kind Intervention.